Blessed moment of clarity and not a moment too soon. After a day of furious research, transcript requests, and bellowing like people whose cat has seized a private moment with the Thanksgiving turkey [snicker], I washed off the shame of not having throttled my academic advisor. The familiar anger didn't hold the usual comfort. Instead, I was exasperated with myself. Careworn and smelling half-prepared dinner is enough without adding the edema underneath a picked scab of anger, condescension, and impotence.
I've been wondering where all my calm went. I worked hard on it for a number of years and had a pretty good veneer of pseudo-calm for the most part. Then I moved here, shit went down on several fronts (much of which was due to my own ignorance and/or clumsiness, let's be fair) and I was glad to say, you know what? They say that the time it takes to get enlightened is the same time it would take for a bird with a scarf flying over a mountain six miles high to wear down the mountain with the scarf, ergo, I'm gonna be where I'm at and fuck all that fake-ass, hooey-hooey, self-righteous bullshit. And that's valid. But. Still. I'm aware of a time when I didn't feel so angry about the small things, a time when I'd trained myself to respond more calmly to challenges. I've been wondering where all that calm went. I haven't felt calm in a while. I couldn't remember why I ever would. As I was disrobing for my shower, I got it again.
It takes too much energy, and that energy is better spent problem-solving. That's all. Anger rarely only hurts the person its directed at. It always damages the person harboring the anger, even if the anger is righteous. Waste of food.
What an aching, bloody relief to remember.
In other relieving news, a sweetheart called me today to hear my voice. That's what she said, and I felt charmed. She's got a knack for doing that when I'm ovulating and have been crying all day, and (though I doubt she's charting my weird 41 day cycle) she keeps perfect time and better company. Thank you, Dear One.