"Warring Ideals in One Dark Body"

Opened the day with a two mile walk. I just wasn't up to the run. Then I went to therapy. I swore a lot. Then I went to work and left in my EMT uniform. They took pictures of me. Then my day started.

First, my boxers fell out of my EMT pants in front of Ashby BART. Not the pair I was was wearing, but the pair that got left in there when someone was hustling me out of my occupational wear days earlier. I seem to have problems with things falling out of my pants, and I really need to start giving them a good shake before putting them on. Anyway, no one saw, not even the weary smoking construction workers I walked past 30 feet later. I must say, the timing was much better than say when being called to the front of the class to test out.

We were asked to pick our core values. Apparently, EMT-aspirants most frequently pick certain ones and someone has bothered to do the research. I picked three of the top five EMTs and paramedics usually pick (compassion, accountability, respect) and another two, one of which the instructor characterized as unusual, but not bad (spirituality). Also, cooperation. The other two most frequent picks are integrity and empathy. I thought a lot about how, for me, it all flows from compassion. I also think some of the choices follow as a natural consequence from one or another (and maybe I'm not being discerning enough, but to me empathy and compassion are close enough so as to be indistinguishable). Anyway, I think they picked those five because it makes the acronym ICARE. Oh well.

Then they gave us a day to read three chapters. Nope.

Having learned that nipple rings are a bit problematic when it comes to an AED, I feel a bit of unease. I really hope that if i ever find myself in a situation where I need to be administered a shock, that they will take the extra ten seconds to cut the rings off. Carefully.

I had good partners: Golden Boy and Friendly Eyes. I must say there was a moment during the abdominal thrusts with Golden Boy that I wasn't really thinking about choking, but I really tried not to indulge too much of the benevolent fucker mental meanderings.

After the adult and infant skills tests, the trainer looked a little perplexed, and said to me, "Just out of curiosity...boy, you seem really dialed in there..." He seemed to stop himself short of saying what the fuck? and settled for the international gesture for what gives? I told him I'd taken BLS there before and that I'd just finished a semester of A&P. He nodded, satisfied. I didn't tell him about the martial arts or that I go over those steps repeatedly in my mind. I didn't tell him I imagine it's my mom or a friend I'm working on. I didn't tell him I obtained certifications for rape crisis counseling in two states. I didn't tell him I watched someone die, that I held his hand because there wasn't anything else to do. I'll just let my skills talk for me.

Curiously, even with the 4 hours of CPR practice, my back didn't start to twinge until I was on the BART home. I think this is partly due to having done next to nothing over the weekend and being very intentional about my body mechanics. I've also started dynamic stretching as opposed to holding static poses. Soon, it will be time for some light weights and building back core strength. But slowly. It's weird though. Now that I understand a lot of the anatomy...I don't know. I feel more patient with myself, more willing to do little things that will contribute to my optimal state rather than trying to do too much at once.

I slept four hours. Got up. Did some admin. Ran 3 miles. Looked at the trauma gallery online, which I think has me pretty much convinced that I don't really want to own a gun. OK, if we're talking mass societal unrest and upheaval, then I admit it would be handy to have one. But it's not me. Even when I owned one, it wasn't me.

Time to do it again.