"Warring Ideals in One Dark Body"

--Notes from a Porn Shoot

A. All of the crew and other performers treated me and each other so kindly. They modeled positive interaction and appreciation, all. I’ve never been treated so respectfully in a workplace by everyone. Also: Armani. I feel moneyed and ripped in his clothes. (Ahem: bought on consignment four years ago for a quarter of what it would have cost on the rack--don't get it twisted).

B. Bobbi Brown make-up. I have a new respect for make-up. I don’t know how to put it on though. And Breaker. We blew a breaker.

C. Carol Queen, Ph.D.--wow. Best line: "I just love the positive, playful energy on the set of a porn shoot." I suspect imnotandrei  was correct when he was giving me pointers the night before, “I can’t imagine more understanding and respectful people for novices than Carol and Robert. If anything, they’ll probably spoil you for all other directors. Because no one will seem to measure up."

D. [Data Embargo] (Yes, it's strange to embargo something that was recorded on film and will be sold in stores, but I guess you had to be there or you have to wait till Spring when it's out of post-production.)

E. is for education and elation.

F. Focused. The producer said we were very focused. We didn't have to do many takes. Also, one of the techs when I said it was my first time said, "I wouldn't have known that! You seem very comfortable! That's good!"

G. I was very well cared for.

H. Hartley, Nina and Mitchell, Sharon at http://www.aim-med.org/ (Porn 101 & 102) say always bring a robe and slippers, and they are absolutely, freaking correct.

Again, please.

My extremely skilled partner asked me how I felt. I feel like I came home to myself; then subsequently the worst kind of drop, worse than any top drop I’ve ever had. Like when I’ve found myself wanting to hold onto moments that mean something, and I want other people to notice, to celebrate with me, to know and care that the world is turning a bit differently for me. I know time stills for no one, not those in the worst need, let alone lil’ me seeking sacred. I still want to hold on to good moments; I’ve encountered a lot of impermanence.

Timing and another sore throat mean there are no streamers and confetti, no back slaps or being carried to the locker room on anyone’s shoulders anywhere but in my mind. Still, there was nice snuggling, and she told me she adores me, and that felt really, really good because it's mutual. That’s what I crave hearing just right now. I fight in the world everyday, and the places where I can breathe, the places of joy and comfort and adoration and peace, well.... I feel pretty fiercely about them, I guess.

The end of the night found me back on my side of the water, tie undone, looking loose, seeking a little taste, and the night ended with this lovely interaction at White Horse Liquor:

Cute tipsy queercore dyke at the liquor store counter in reference to me: We got the red carpet right here! Doesn’t she look nice? All rollin’ in like a rock star…

Me (coyly): Thank you.

Dyke in scrubs (shaking head at queercore dyke): See, you are gonna get yourself into trouble right now. I’ma call yo ma.

Queercore dyke: My ma’s in Costa Rica! Good luck with that. [To me] Naw. You do look nice though.

Me: So do you.

Queercore dyke: Pssht. Look at me!

Me: Aw, you gotta have the streetwear too though. Rough and tumble; you look ready to rock and roll.

Queercore dyke (grins, thumps counter): Rock on. You go on with your bad self, girl.

Me: [Victory sign].