"Warring Ideals in One Dark Body"

Well. There's heat at both work and home at the same time, which feels pretty remarkable. Pretty great, in fact.

We're moving into Year of the Tiger, which should be my year to shine. I've been feeling less than shiny; I'm trying not to panic about certain things. Bluntly put, my back is fucked right now. I'll be seeing someone about that as soon as I can shake loose some money, which is good because right now it hurts to sit, stand, lie down for too long, raise my arms, turn my head, reach for anything, walk, or drive. More than an ache, less than a scream. Hot, white pain like jaggies under my skin and burning.

I know we all carry our pain; I come from a place where suffering is admired only if it's done in silence. I'm not looking for admiration, only to be able to fulfill my dreams and maybe not be in pain all the time. It's still hard to talk about. I may be dreaming big; I may have to find peace with being in pain all the time and laying to rest my aspirations, for I could scarcely work in the healthcare arenas I'm drawn to in this shape. That, a loss of direction and knowledge of purpose, terrifies me more than all else. So.

I have a semester or so to try to structure a more sustainable and healing lifestyle. Do you like to take walks? I would love to walk with you. Do you like to cook? I've been cooking bigger portions so I can have leftovers - maybe we can exchange a portion for varieties sake. Do you like the hot tub? I'll be trying to get to Piedmont Springs a couple of times a month - it's $15 per person per hour and would you like to come with? Do you like backrubs? I'll exchange with you. It's not a come-on, unless we decide that it is. I'm just broke and broken and trying to hold on to a shred of resolve and calm and the few friends I've made out here. And right now it all feels very hard.

Can you think of anything that might help? People ask me all the time, "Is there anything I can do?" You gems. You priceless friends. I've dreamed for good friends for so long. I don't know how to answer you except in short-term simplicities, i.e. a cup of tea. Perhaps you can suggest something? If not, that's okay. I appreciate that you would help me or anyone. Thank you for your understanding, your kisses, your kind eyes. That's what I hold onto at times like these.

I apologize ahead of time for my limitations. I really am trying. I know it's important to keep trying. I just may not be able to show up some days. And I think, because of the kind of people you are, that you will understand, right? You won't write me off completely, will you?

There have been times when my reach has far exceeded my grasp. I've missed events, dropped responsibilities, forgotten things. I only hope for the time and opportunity to make some things right again, if I can, and to keep moving forward. I love looking up and finding you at my side.

Thank you for everything. Shelter, attention, gifts big and small. Your acknowledgement. Your meals. Your firm hand. Your kindnesses and all. But for the intersections, The Way is often dull, wearying, and lonely. But You're always reminding me that it's not always so.

In Solidarity,


aquenigmatic